to let it all out for everyone to see so this will be for me. Just so I can get it out and be done with it.
I think one of the ways I keep myself in check is by always assuming my sin greater than anyone else's. That's why you're justified. That's why I can forgive you before you even hurt me. Because I know I hurt you. It just sucks because the selfish me is fighting with the better me.
Check out how bipolar I am when it comes to this:
I hurt you, I know. There's no excuse for what I did. This isn't an excuse. It's an explanation. I was everything you wanted. I made sure that I was the best for you. I made sure that I lifted you up, helped you, comforted you, corrected you. I was YOUR protector, pastor and provider. I supported you in everything and pushed you to be better. I made you smile, laugh... I made you happy. I always wanted what's best for you.... which, of course, means I still do. You can claim that you thought you loved me. But you sure as hell never showed it. You don't know what that means. And don't get me wrong, I don't think I do either. Obviously, because of what I did to you. But, don't act like you know more than me cause you don't. You know what I did? I realized how well he treats me compared to you. And I realized it without letting you go first. I fucked up. I know. But rewind to before that. You NEVER hesitated to hurt me. You loved your temper and pride way more than you cared about me cause they always came first. So of course I'm not surprised that they still do. You'd ignore me, be cold to me, talk shit about me, call me out on every tiny mistake and scold me for it. I tried to be competent for you. I worked hard to be your perfect person and when I couldn't, I'd man up to get there. You? You'd pity yourself when you caught yourself slipping up and I had to lift YOU up from your mistake. I didn't let you tear me down then so I sure as hell am not gonna let you do it now. I hope it makes you feel better. I hope your assumptions and hatred comfort you. Cause you know what's REALLY fucked up? I'd comfort you if you'd admit that they don't. What's REALLY fucked up is that I'd still let you get away with walking all over me. You've told me that you're tired of my apologies. Guess what? You misinterpreted the fuck out of my last one but I let you. You? You never meant ANY of your apologies. You never meant to hurt me? Make me cry? Disrespect me? Fuck you cause you jump at every opportunity to do all three. Scratch that... you make opportunities for all three. No one will ever get my side and I'm okay with that because I know that what's done in the dark will be revealed in the light and I know that I'm getting what I deserve. Why the HELL can't I want the same for you? Why do I still defend you? Why can't I be honest with my closest friends about how much you hurt me? Because it's the same now as it's always been... I love you way more than you could ever love me. That's how I know that even though I don't know how to really really love in a romantic way, I know how to love my friends. I really do know that kind of love. You don't. You loved having me around. You loved the way I made you feel. You loved having me for you. You didn't fucking love me so don't even think you came close. You loved me for you. I'm still sorry. I'm still sorry for everything I took away from you. I'm sorry for everything I can't take back. I struggle every fucking day to remember that I can't wait for your forgiveness to get over this. I do not forgive myself easily. And it's a million times harder knowing that you don't. But YOU are not God. YOU do not dictate my forgiveness. But YOU know exactly how to make me think otherwise. I am a strong person because He is my strength but in times like now, when I'm struggling spiritually, YOU tear me down. YOU break my heart. The devil uses YOU to tempt me into self-hatred. But I know the difference. I know you're not evil. Fuck me for always seeing your potential. Fuck me for always believing in you even when all of your friends are complaining to me about you. Fuck you for being too much of an immature bitch to see that I've been consistently on your side through everything. You make me wish I had no morals so I could hate you. I can't though. I love you too damn much. You know what else? I'm happy when it's just me that you're not getting along with. I'm fine when you ignore me but are good with everyone else. But when you show how fucked up you are to your other friends, it makes it harder for me to defend you. So fuck you for that too. I'll take comfort in my belief in you. I take comfort in knowing that, one day, you'll understand. Honestly, right now, I want to say you'll never know how to respect a woman at the rate you're going. But I always want miracles for you. You're welcome for everything that I do for you and give to you that you'll never know about. You will never know me. I know you. My flaws were honesty and faithfulness. I'm correcting myself. I learning how to do both now. You... still prideful, temperamental, stubborn, hypocritical, judgmental and bitter as ever. Sucks... you were getting better with those when we were friends. But seriously... thank you for trying when you did. Thank you for wanting to be good for me and caring for me for the short amount of time that you did. Yeah, it was temporary but it was good for me at the time so thank you for then. Now you want the hurtful truth? He really knows what love is. Even more than me. I've done worse to him than I've done to you and he's never let one word of slander against me leave his mouth. He forgives while you'd hate. He stays strong where you'd crumble. He's humble when you'd be prideful. He respects me. He's not lustful. He doesn't keep score. He's patient. He's a lot of things that I am not. So go ahead and hate on him in the areas that make you look better. But where it counts... he wins. And guess what... you're still wrong. You don't know what's going on between us.
So there's my explanation. That's why things went that way. I'll own up to my half and I'll let you have your way. All I needed was this blog... this vent to God. He'll correct me. He already is. I know I love you. I truly forgive you even if you'll never be sorry. I feel better... and though you hate it... I'm still sorry.
See you around.
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